The Ranks of Hell

       Just as archangels and angels, Dominions, Principalities, and Powers are in heaven, so it is said demons and devils are in hierarchy of hell, Princes, Ministers, Ambassadors, Justices, The House of Princes, and the Trivial Spirits, Alphonsus de Spina (who brought into Christianity a lot of Jewish lore) says there are ten orders of demons. Some other authorities say there are nine orders of devils, some six, some four.

      This was an idea that was especially appealing to the hierarchical mind-set of the Middle Ages. At the top is God's Adversary himself, Satan. At various times he is confused with Lucifer, The Angel of Light, The Prince of Darkness, The Dark Angel, and others but it is Satan we usually mean when we speak of The Devil. All others are demons, not devils, though our language tends to regard devils and demons as synonymous.

       Here are the principal personages in the infernal kingdom, in alphabetical order, because there is some disagreement about their exact placement.

What is more interesting than that, however, is how it is imagined that the kingdom of hell mirrors other kingdoms. It is also interesting how and why students of demonology hit upon the very specific numbers of infernal legions commanded by this or that power.

Mark V:7 says Christ was attacked by a legion of demons in the form of pigs. They were drowned.

     But to our hierarchy: Here, collected from a number of sources, is probably the most complete - I do not claim 'the most accurate' - list to be found anywhere:

Abaddon			King of Demons. Better known by his Greek name Apollyon.
Abigor			A horseman with a lance and scepter, commanding 60 legions of devils.
Adramelech			Chancellor of Hell and President of The High Council of Devils.
Aguares			Grand Duke of Eastern Hell, commanding 30 legions of devils.
Alocer			Grand Duke of Hell, commanding 36 legions of devils.
Amduscias			Grand Duke of Hell, commanding 29 legions, popular with black magicians.
Andras			Marquis of Hell, commanding 30 legions of devils.
Asmodeus			Head of the Casinos of Hell, banished to the desert by Raphael.
Astaroth			Grand Duke of Western Hell, Lord Treasurer of Hell.
Astarte			One of a number of heathen gods and goddesses sometimes consigned to Hell.
Aym			Grand Duke of Hell, commanding 26 legions of demons. Also Haborym.
Ayperos			Prince of Hell, commanding 36 legions of devils.
Azazel			Standard Bearer of the armies of Hell. Also Satanael.
Baal			Commanding General of the Infernal Armies.
Baalberith			Chief Secretary and Archivist of Hell, a second-order demon. Also Berith.
Balan			Prince of Hell.
Beelzebub		Prince of Demons, Lord of the Flies, second only to Satan.
Belial		Prince of Trickery, Demon of Sodomy, sometimes called The Antichrist. It is likely he is also the one called Zephar by the German demonologist Weir.
Belphegor		Demon of Ingenious Discoveries and Wealth.
Buer		Second-order demon but commanding 50 legions of devils.
Caym		Grand President of Hell
Charon		Boatman of Hell who ferries souls across the Styx or Archeron
Chax		Grand Duke of Hell. Also Scox.
Cresil		Demon of impurity and slovenliness (according to Sebastien Michaelis, 1613).
Dagon		Baker of Hell, member of the House of Princes.
Eurynomus		Prince of Hell who feeds on corpses.
Furfur		Count of Hell, commanding 26 legions of demons.
Geryon		Giant centaur who (Dante said) guards Hell. Others say the guardian is a dragon.
Hecate		Queen of the witches.
Jezebeth		Demon of Falsehoods.
Kasdeya		According to The Book of Enoch (LXIX:12) 'the fifth Satan.'
Kobal		Entertainment Director of Hell, patron of comedians
Leonard		Inspector-General of Black Magic and Sorcery, The Great Negro of the witches' sabbats              as a giant black goat. In Germany, Urian.
Leviathan		Grand Admiral of Hell; androgynous, he is said to have seduced both Adam and Eve.
Lilith		Princess of Hell, first wife of Adam.
Malphas		Grand President of Hell, commanding 40 legions of devils. Same as Caym?
Mammon		A word misunderstood was personified as the Demon of Avarice.
Mastema		Leader of the offspring of fallen angels by human beings.
Melchom		Treasurer of the House of the Princes of Hell.
Mephistopheles		In some versions, servant of Lucifer, in others, The Devil himself.
Merihim		Prince of Pestilence.
Moloch		Another demon inherited from Jewish belief.
Mullin		Servant of the House of Princes, lieutenant to Leonard.
Murmur		Count of Hell, Demon of Music.
Naburus		Marquis of Hell, connected with Cerberus.
Nergal		Chief of Secret Police of Hell, a second-order demon, married to Allotu.
Nybras		Grand Publicist of the Pleasures of Hell, an inferior demon.
Nysrogh		Chief of the House of Princes of Hell, a second order demon.
Orias		Marquis of Hell, Demon of Diabolic Astrologers and Diviners.
Orthon		A minor demon familiar to the Comte de Corasse and the Comte de Foix. Another personal demon known by name is Sybacco, rather unreliably said to have attended Adriano Lemmi, connected with the alleged Satanic-Masonic cult of Palladinism in 19th century Italy and then there are all sorts of demons (usually with French names) that possessed French nuns, etc.
Paymon		Master of Ceremonies of Hell.
Philotanus		Demon assisting Belial in furthering pederasty and sodomy.
Proserpine		In some accounts, Princess of Hell.
Pyro		Prince of Falsehood.
Raum		Count of Hell, commanding 30 legions of demons.
Rimmon		Ambassador from Hell to (Czarist) Russia, Chief Physician of Hell. Also Damas
Ronwe		Minor demon commanding 19 legions of devils
Samael		Angel of Death, Prince of the Air, perhaps the one who tempted Eve.
Semiazas		Chief of the Fallen Angels.
Shabriri	Demon who struck people blind. The Jews also had goat demons (Schirim, Seirim), demon monsters (Behemoth, Leviathan), and Lilim, Nazzikim, Ruchoth, and many more.
Sonneillon	Demon of Hate (Michaelis).
Succorbenoth	Chief Eunuch of the House of Princes, Demon of Gates and Jealousy.
Thamuz	Ambassador of Hell, Creator of The Holy Inquisition, Investor of Artillery.
Ukobach	Stationary Engineer of Hell, Inventor of Fireworks, maybe Cooking Out.
Uphir	Head of the HMO of Hell, Demon physician and apothecary.
Valafar	Grand Duke of Hell 'in charge' say Tondriau and Villeneuve (1972) 'of good relations among brigands.'
Verdelet	Master of Ceremonies of the House of the Princes of Hell.
Verin	Demon of Impatience.
Vetis	A devil who specializes in tempting and corrupting the holy.
Xaphan	Stokes the furnaces of Hell, a second-order demon.
Zaebos	One of the many animal-human combinations in Hebrew imitation of the Sumerians. This one is part crocodile, part human.
Zagam	Demon of Deceit and Counterfeiting. He can do Christ's first miracle, changing  water into wine.

       In the list above the information allegedly was revealed by Baalberith to Soeur Madeleine de Demandoix in the early 17th century. She had pretty familiar names in her first hierarchy but her second (Carreau, Carnivean, Oeillet, Rosier, Verrier) and their hierarchy (Belial, Olivier, Juvart) look incredibly French.

      This list is long enough, though if Weir (who wrote in the 16th century) is to be believed, Hell has 66 princes, each commanding 6,666 legions, each legion comprising 6,666 devils. That would amount to about half the world's populations in his time. This looks suspiciously like a riff on the number of the Beast of The Apocalypse, 666, which some cabalists say is 600 (false religion), 60 (greed), and 6 (this world).

It might be added that some devils or demons refuse to give their names even when summoned by magical means because in their names is power. On the other hand, having a name always makes communications of any sort easier.

Religion is Bullshit- George Carlin

When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.

No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.

So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on.

And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite.

 

I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.

But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?

Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan?

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.

So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was.

In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!